Erotic Intelligence: How to Cultivate Healthy Sexuality in Intimate Relationships
Erotic intelligence is a concept created by Esther Perel, a Belgian-born psychotherapist, author of the best-selling book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. This book discusses the conflict between sex and intimacy that afflicts many modern couples. It’s worth spending time to examine the key concepts of Erotic Intelligence and how to apply them to cultivate healthy sexuality in intimate relationships.
Erotic Intelligence Summed Up
Esther Perel’s theory of healthy sexuality postulates that the familiarity that comes with intimate relationships is often at odds with our need for tension and exploration of the unknown to cultivate erotic desire. She challenges the romanticized idea held by many couples that the perfect romantic relationship is one in which the other partner can satisfy our every need, acting as our confidant and best friend as well as our passionate lover. The reality of this approach is that it often results in couples becoming bored with the same old thing time and again. To keep eroticism alive in a relationship, it is important to cultivate some distance, surprise, mystery and play. When we step back from our partners and accept them as people separate from us, agents with internal lives entirely free from our own, we create the space for desire to grow.
Quality Over Quantity
While some couples just want more sex, there are many more who want to reconnect with a deeper intimacy that makes them feel alive. The desire for an affair is often not an attempt to hurt one’s partner, but an attempt to rediscover the irresistible desire they once had at the beginning of their relationship. Curiosity and play are keys for healthy sexuality in relationships, and necessary for them to stand the test of time.
Step Back and See Your Partner
Stepping back to view your partner as a separate person involves risk. We abandon the delusion that our partner’s sexuality is solely ours. We may have to confront some discomfort as we recognize that their fantasies transgress the comfortable boundaries of our relationship. But we should call them what they are: fantasies. Exploring the unfamiliarity of this territory can lead to uncomfortable feelings. But leaning on the structure of monogamy, we risk falling into monotony. By acknowledging the agency in choosing the relationship, we own the choices we and our partner are making to turn towards one another.
Resources to Cultivate Healthy Sexuality
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
America’s War on Sex by Marty Klein
Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy Kleinplatz
Questions to Explore Sexuality
Who is your sexual role model?
How did you figure out how to integrate your sexuality into your identity?
Questions via David Ley, PhD (taken from this talk on YouTube)
FAQs
Why is healthy sexuality important?
Sexuality is an essential part of our humanity, and maintaining sexual connection in relationships is an important aspect of maintaining our relational bond and ensuring our relationships are sources of wellbeing and durable happiness.
What are the characteristics of a sexually healthy person?
Even in healthy intimate relationships, sexual satisfaction is a fluid state. Sexual satisfaction becomes more possible when we have acceptance of our sexual needs and desires as part of our self and act consciously to figure out how to integrate those needs and desires into our life in an intentional manner. In order to let go of shame around sexuality, it can be helpful to recognize that there isn’t one right kind of sexuality. We increase our feeling of sexual liberation and become more sexually healthy when we accept the different aspects of our sexuality and recognize that they aren’t things we get to choose.
How much distance is too much?
Distance is not without problems in relationships. When we step back from the comfort of being with our partners to be more alone, we create insecurity for them and for ourselves. However, this insecurity is often a precondition for maintaining interest, desire and intimacy.
Stepping back doesn’t mean neglecting my partner or separating from the relationship. Distance gives us and our partners space to focus on ourselves and recognize the friends, activities, and aspects of ourselves, like our thoughts and fantasies, which exist outside of the confines of the relationship.
How do I enhance my erotic intelligence?
Erotic intelligence means having the courage to step outside of comfortable routines and pursue the desires and other aspects of sexuality that may extend beyond your relationship. To develop healthy sexuality, you must communicate your needs and preferences to your partner and be open to their needs and preferences as well. As both partners pursue their fantasies, you can achieve sexual satisfaction that isn’t possible by simply maintaining the status quo.